Jerry, you need to find god
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
