She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
