Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
