im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
