At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
