If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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