Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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