Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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