Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
