Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
