he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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