took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
