went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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