she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
