I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
