Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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