i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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