I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
please come you make the beer taste better
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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