I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize