i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
