i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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