I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
