I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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