A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
