She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
