I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
