Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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