Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My feet surprised me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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