Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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