Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
