she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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