so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
