how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
