how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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