Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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