Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
