drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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