These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
