i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Oh god it's open bar.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize