Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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