we're chasing vodka with high fives
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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