mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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