Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
