Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
