he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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