My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
