Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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