i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
