there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
