Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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