Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
