I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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