I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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