It's like a parade of train wrecks.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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