I just threw up on my dentist
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize