2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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