She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
