I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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